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Metro

Humongous Turkey Auctioned,
Flies the Coop, Terrorizes West Hollywood

Charity bird escapes from restaurant and runs around town, causing numerous incidents.

by George Wolfe

WEST HOLLYWOOD — Jacque Dubois, a Los Angeles restaurateur, was looking for something distinctive for the opening of his new restaurant. No one is doubting that Dubois found what he was looking for.

Dubois paid a record $45,000 at a charity auction for a 1,249-pound turkey called Big Ben.

Following the auction, Dubois made a statement to the press, "A bird of this magnitude will not only be good for the cause, but will be an exceptional treat for the patrons of our new restaurant."

Proceeds went to the Ben Franklin Fund, which helps Pennsylvanian Quaker and Shaker kids learn computer technology. The annual auction benefits that fund since it was Franklin who wanted the turkey to be the new country's national bird.

Dubois was all set to send the bird to the chef at his new restaurant, ShiShi, but the turkey had a different agenda.

Big Ben, as the turkey is called, was strapped into the back of a U-Haul truck and arrived at the back entrance to ShiShi's kitchen. When a crew of three burley men led Big Ben into the kitchen area, it took one look and bolted out the back and escaped down the alleyway.

ShiShi head chef, Mario D'agnostico, said, "That bird was — how do you say?— more of a... chicken than a turkey. But of course I cannot blame him. This time of year is no good to be — may I say? — running afowl."

But the LAPD doesn't consider this a laughing matter. 911 operators were deluged with calls from West Hollywood residents who reported being kicked to the curb by a giant, and apparently angry, turkey.

"A bird of this magnitude will not only be good for the cause, but will be an exceptional treat for the patrons of our new restaurant."

— Jacque Dubois, ShiShi restaurateur

Brandon McGill was walking back from the grocery store when he came face to face with the intimidating turkey. "I've seen a lot of weird stuff in West Hollywood, believe you me, but this really caught me offguard. At first, I thought I'd stumbled onto a movie set, but the thing just kept coming at me. It would've crushed me if I hadn't jumped aside at the last minute!"

In the hours immediately after Big Ben's escape, the LAPD received no less than a hundred sightings. But as the sun set this evening, authorities were still scratching their heads and wondering where on earth — or at least Los Angeles —such a large bird could hide.

The LAPD is asking the public to be vigilent in keeping an eye out for the bird, but is also warning people to stay clear of the bird because it is potentially dangerous, though not armed.