of Sheriff's Canines Prefer Minorities to Dog Food
The California-based Minority
Reporting journal has found that 86% of L.A. County sheriff's
canines preferred minorities to dog food, and recommended that
the so-called Minority Meat Beat Unit reconsider its training
procedures. During the 1990s, the majority of dogs preferred meat
of all colors and ethnicities, but there has been a steady increase
since 2000 of a "strong preference" for "dark-meat
minorities" over both white meat as well as standard dog
food. "We don't bias them to go after any particular type
of people," said canine unit officer Ingrid Islingschnauzer,
"but if truth be told, they just really prefer the taste
of those African-Americans and Latinos. I can't explain it, they
just do. It's sort of a dubious honor to taste so good —
like chicken." Indeed, African-Americans scored highest in
canine taste tests, with Latinos coming in second, Asians third,
and Caucasians at the very bottom of the list.
Men Can't Do Four-Out-of-Five Tasks at the Same Time
SAN FRANCISCO —— From The Journal
of Multi-tasking and Plenty of Other Things, a CaliTech-based
publication: Four out of five men can't do four out of five tasks
at the same time. A group of men were given an increasing number
of tasks to test their multi-tasking abilities. Most of the men
could walk, chew gum, hold a conversation and twiddle their thumbs
at the same time. But when a fifth element was added — such
as facing their conversational partners — most of the men
fell completely apart and had to discontinue all their tasks.
In a contrasting study by the same scientists, four out of five
women couldn't focus on a simple task when within 100 yards of
a shopping mall. A group of women were given a task of "fish
or cut bait." The women were perfectly able to make decisions
in a neutral environment, however, when a glass window revealed
a shopping mall 100 yards away, the women became overwhelmed,
and 80% of the woman could no longer stay on task.
Shows "Portable Jails" May Be Viable Alternative to
Steel and Concrete
SANTA MONICA, Ca —— "A lot of
our state's prisoners really don't need the complete security
of traditional jails. It's overkill." says Slim Schenkins
(D - Whittier). "It boils down to supply and demand. With
so many inmates and so many of these portables, this legislative
act provides a natural and painless solution for taxpayers and
politicians alike." But while advocates noted how overcrowded
schools have built extra classrooms on playgrounds with no negative
consequences, critics questioned the comparison and logic of housing
dangerous inmates in such low-security facilities. Legislators
were quick to point out that death row inmates would not be eligible
for the portable jails. Speaking at a news conference, the governor
cited a study by the journal Penal Reformation which stated: "74%
of inmates said that, if housed in a portable jail, they would
not flee." "Desperate times call for desperate measures,"
said Schenkins about the late-night legislative session. "But
this at least puts us in the right direction. Look, it was late,
we were tired; we had to do something or our constituents would
accuse us of being irresponsible."
See full article:
"Inflatable Jails" To Trim Deficit
—— Butt What About Knowledge?
SAUSALITO, Ca —— A new study published
in the education-related journal Dubious Scholastica
shows that 63% of California middle schoolers couldn't tell their
ass from a hole in the ground. "It's a disturbing finding,"
admits think tank analyst Zbig Elavsky, who headed the study titled
Teenagers — Butt What About Knowledge? "I mean, this
is more basic than reading, writing and arithmetic." Asked
what might be done to remedy the situation, Elavskyrski responded,
"Beats me. Maybe some sort of holistic learning could help
them identify what a hole and what's their ass." The study's
team is planning a follow-up study with those same middle schoolers
who failed the first study. The new study will monitor the kids'
choices and behaviors when put between a rock and a hard place.
Shows 93% of Studies Are Self-Evident
SANTA MONICA, Ca —— A new study by
the Institute for Applied Studies of Studies revealed
that 93% of studies are "repetitive, self-evident and obviously
obvious." The study was the result of a 59-month, $9 million
effort by dozens of PhDs in the fields of Sociology, Psychology
and Statistical Studology. "More than nine times out of ten,"
the Institute's publicist Randy McDowell explained, "the
results of any given study are, well, in laymen's terms: a no-brainer.
In addition to finding this out, our findings also found that,
in short, these reports are, in truth, 'largely long-winded and
predominantly pointless' — not to mention a waste of money.
Whoops. Can we scratch that and leave it at long-winded?"
Suggests Juggling While Driving
Could Be Dangerous