Southland Water Agency
Adds Teeth Whitener
to Drinking Water

Southern California's trademark white smile is about to get even brighter. With the help of water agencies, all citizens are now bound to have whiter teeth. Some cynics say they're happy with their teeth 'just as they are.'

by George Wolfe

LOS ANGELES — Baking soda will be added to the drinking water of millions of Southern Californians in a whitening effort sponsored by a state political action committee composed of dentists and hygenists. If all goes according to plan, the water supply will be treated by 2004.

Building upon the recent decision to add cavity-fighting flouride to the water supply, the PAC known as "Miles of Smiles" is lobbying hard to make the Los Angeles metropolitan area "the region with the best smiles on earth — not only healthy, but also handsome" according to the PAC's mission statement.

"If I want to have cruddy teeth, isn't that my birthright? Where do they get off telling me how bright my teeth should be?"
— Susan Rutlidge, Brentwood resident

Susan Rutlidge, a resident of Orange County, decries what she sees as "the creeping fascism of beauty. If I want to have cruddy teeth, isn't that my birthright? Where do they get off telling me how bright my teeth should be?"

ther Southland residents lauded the group's efforts. Cindy Jenkins, from Pasadena, admitted that, "Frankly, it's sometimes awkward for me to speak to people who have less-than-white teeth. I can't look at their teeth, and that makes it hard to look them in the eye, too. I don't see why anyone's complaining — after all, it's free!"

If the legislation passes, as most people expect, Miles of Smiles is preparing to make a push on two more initiatives: Prop 244 would make braces mandatory for kids who need them; Prop 266 would levy prohibitive taxes on coffee to discourage imports of popular drink that can also stain teeth.