Star Gets Big Head, Explodes
—Rising star actor
Brent Dahling had it made. At 22, his picture already graced the
cover of many glam magazines and industry tabloids. His brat-like
playboy exploits and ostentatious fashion were well documented.
His calculated career projectile took him into the stratosphere
of wealth and fame until he apparently couldn't handle the pressure
and his head finally exploded, literally. Doctors who performed
the autopsy on Dahling noted his "grossly advanced egodema,"
(swelling of the ego), which derives from a particular section of
the brain known as Area 99. As one tabloid reported noted anonymously,
"Dahling lived and died by his ego. He'll be dearly missed
by some, and happily disappeared by some others."
Speaks Truth to Man
HERCULES, Ca. — After years of speaking truth
to power, corporate whistle-blower and town resident Jon Evyrmann
finally embarked on an email campaign to get Power to speak to him
in return. Evyrmann had worked tirelessly for years, inquiring about
the nature of truth despite Power's lawyers' objections to his arguments.
Power finally reached out and spoke to Evyrmann directly, responding
late last week to the man's request. Power simply said, "Shut
Hackneyed to Death
BIGGS, Ca. — A candidate running for office
in Butte County was brutally hackneyed to death by the incumbent.
"All I said was the usual stuff," claimed state congressman
Benjamin Corona (R—Butte). "'No new taxes… stay
the course… guns are our birthright… a thousand points
of light… schools are for education…' and 'prescription
drugs for the elderly'… — that's my platform. Why should
any of it be threatening ?" But according to those close to
Corona's Democrat opponent, Linda Lomas, the sum total of Corona's
cliches took a physical toll on Lomas while she worked the campaign
trail. "After hearing him speak on T.V., she'd get these…
chest pains," said her chief strategist, Dom Billingsly. "Each
meaningless expression was like a sharp, sugar-coated ice cream
cone jabbing into her heart. She was a very sensitive person —
in hindsight, maybe she shouldn't have gone into politics to begin
with. Still, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that Linda
was hackneyed to death."
Los Angeles to Change Its Name Again
SOUTH-SOUTH LOS ANGELES — Not long after
changing its name from South-Central to South Los Angeles to counteract
a negative public image, a continuance of high homicide levels has
forced the City Council to change the name again — this time
to South-South Los Angeles. Residents hope that the new name will
send a refreshing message that the former "South-Central"
and "South Los Angeles" will finally be perceived as a
kinder, gentler place — even if that's not the reality of
the situation. Statistics for the month of August show a spike in
homicidal activity, leading the City Council to call for an emergency
"brainstorming and pizza" session for new names. One council
member, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "It was fun.
Hell, we'll change the name a hundred times until we get it right!"
Asked by urban activists if the council planned on playing a greater
role in solving such problems as education funding or unemployment,
the council member shrugged and said, "A baby has got to use
words before it can walk, right? Well, it's the same with a city."
I405 — After a fierce
playoff season, the Skirball championships will pit the Encino Enigmas
against the Brentwood Warblers. "What the Hell is Skirball,
anyway?" is a common question that Warbler team captain, Hemp
Strång, fields all the time. "In short, it's a cross
between lacrosse, water polo, football, frisbee golf, curling and
Go Fish. The team to get the most shingles across the bric-a-brac
gets two spillikin and wins the ormolu. You can either try a lobolo,
a pashm, or even a genuflection—whatever does the trick…
as long as you avoid claptraps and horripilation. Generally, the
idea is to have a couple of good bootlickers on offense, and several
lunarians on defense is certainly advisable. Oh, and if you get
tagged, you have to go to the barracoon. But really, it's all much
simpler than it sounds."
Dies, In Vain
HOLLYWOOD — Supermodel-wannabe, Phoebe B.,
died in vain early this morning after she broke out with an acute
case of acne. Apparently disheartened by her altered image, the
teen went to a store, bought a dozen tubes of Clearasil and ingested
all of them. Worried that the tubes might make her fat, witnesses
say she threw them up before remembering that she was committing
suicide. She then fished them out of the toilet and downed them
for good. One close friend remembered Phoebe B. as "one of
most obsessive, self-centered and uncompromising people I ever met.
She's totally the kind of person who'd rather kill herself than
be second rate. You gotta respect her for that — it's what
I really loved about her."
Phones in Performance—Literally
HOLLYWOOD — Film celeb actress Keesha Knightly wasn't
physically present for her role in A Streetcar Named Desire at L.A.
Theatre Stages West, but that didn't stop her from phoning in her
performance from a trendy restaurant. Knightly claims she had previously
booked "an important dinner date with a producer" and
said that she couldn't break the date merely to make the performance.
Asked why she took on the role to begin with, Knightly responded,
"Look, these theatre types take it all way too seriously! So
I missed one night — ooh, you'd think the sky was falling!
Look, my stupid agent said that expanding into theatre would give
me more depth as an actress and more clout in the industry. Boy,
was he wrong! I can't wait 'til this gig ends. It's like they really
expect you to memorize all these lines! Yeah, right — no fucking
way." Knightly's cell phone died halfway through the performance
and angry ticket holders stormed the box office and took back their
System Shutdown Part of LAX TV Show Marketing Campaign
As if there weren't enough drama in the series premiere of LAX,
the show's marketing department bribed two technicians to instigate
a "communications problem" at the actual airport and cause
it to come to a standstill — all to boost ratings for the
series. The TV show features the daily chaos which airport officials
(played by Heather Locklear and Blair Underwood) must contend with.
In the series opener on Monday, airport personnel must get the airport
up and running in order to get the governor safely on the tarmac.
On Wednesday, the actual governor wasn't as lucky after the 3-hour
shutdown kept his plane from landing for a scheduled fundraiser
in Los Angeles. Asked about NBC's involvement in the marketing stunt,
executive producer Nick Thiel said, "Hey, bad attention is
better than no attention."