Inland
Empire Launches Attack
on Los Angeles
Operation
Angelic Freedom seeks to put an end to the rule of Mayor Hahn and
his 'elite cadre of Hollywood players.' However, the Inland Empire,
calling itself a 'coalition of the willful,' is bogged down by 'creative
types' outside of Pomona.
Part 1 in a 3-part series
By George Wolfe
WITH EMPIRE TROOPS OUTSIDE POMONA — The Inland Empire's forces
swept into strategic positions today in their mission to liberate
"the people of Los Angeles."
Tensions between the Inland Empire and Los Angeles
reached a peak a couple weeks ago when negotiations failed between
the two counties and the Inland Empire cut off Los Angeles' water
supply. The water rights issue stirred long-simmering political
animosities, paving the way for an invasion known as "Operation
Angelic Freedom."
"Our gripe is not with the good people of
Los Angeles. It is with everything that Los Angeles stands for."
— Don Bleitzenkreig, Inland
Empire president
During an engagement between Empire troops
and Los Angeles loyalists, the 13th Infantry Division managed to breach
the county line, then prepared for stiff resistance from the residents
of Pomona. Elsewhere, there have been reports that the Empire's 7th
Marine Division broke through the San Gabriel pass and is leading
a two-pronged attack on Azusa and Monrovia.
ON THE MOVE: Inland
Empire troops are primarily attacking from the north and east.
Checkpoints were set up in Diamond Bar and
Glendora to ensure the smooth transition of civilian populations into
less-volatile zones. And refugee camps were established across the
county line, but so far there have been few takers among Angelinos,
who are nonchalant about reports of an incursion. Even an air raid
siren in downtown Los Angeles prompted talk of pilot season rather
than fear of incoming aircraft.
Forces have been slowed somewhat over the past
few days by pro-L.A. factions believed to be dressed in civilian
attire. There are even rumors that the administration may be paying
actors to pretend they're real people — thus acting as human
shields. And in a ruse, union resistance fighters from the dreaded
Studio City Division created an entire fake city from scratch, which
confused Empire troops for three days.
Don Bleitzenkreig, Inland Empire president, spoke
about the war and its overall mission. "Our gripe is not with
the good people of Los Angeles. It is with everything that Los Angeles
stands for: violence, corruption, decadence, style, egocentrism,
vanity, entertainment, culture, wealth — oh, and tofu smoothies.
We believe that most Angelinos do not want this to be their fate,
so we have embarked on their liberation!"
The spokesperson for Mayor Hahn of Los Angeles
issued a statement to the local press, "You invaders are not
welcome. No, you will be turned out, God willing. You will never
get beyond the county line. And if you do, be warned that we have
built a moat around downtown and filled it with carbonated water.
Our people are accustomed to smog and toxic fumes; your soldiers
cannot handle it — they will flee and theground beneath them
will shake!"
Asked if there was support for such an invasion,
Bleitzenkreig defended his actions. "You bet. We are a coalition
of the willful. We fight for every town in this great state and
nation which sees L.A. for the evil that it is and as a disseminator
of evil around the world!"
At a press briefing, Hank Bumblesby, head of the Inland Empire Defense
Department, downplayed the scattered peace protester who briefly
appeared on a street corner in San Bernardino. "He's a madman.
Look, the only outcome of this war is for the current administration
to step down in an unconditional surrender. It's either that or
face the imminent downfall of Los Angeles — not that it isn't
falling apart on its own!"
In the coming days and weeks, fierce fighting
is expected in East L.A., where there are believed to be strongholds
of Crips and Blood gangs who have put aside their age-old feud in
order to thwart what they allege to be an invasion of their collective
"turf." There are rumors that the mayor of Los Angeles
is paying them to defend the city. Further west, the supposed holy
city of Hollywood will surely be a key battle in the war for the
hearts and minds of Angelinos.
And where is the mayor? "That's the $64,000
question," says Bumblesby, "He's either given up entirely
or he's at the gym."
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