boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-

 
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Metro

Inland Empire Launches Attack
on Los Angeles

Operation Angelic Freedom seeks to put an end to the rule of Mayor Hahn and his 'elite cadre of Hollywood players.' However, the Inland Empire, calling itself a 'coalition of the willful,' is bogged down by 'creative types' outside of Pomona.

Part 1 in a 3-part series
By George Wolfe

WITH EMPIRE TROOPS OUTSIDE POMONA — The Inland Empire's forces swept into strategic positions today in their mission to liberate "the people of Los Angeles."

Tensions between the Inland Empire and Los Angeles reached a peak a couple weeks ago when negotiations failed between the two counties and the Inland Empire cut off Los Angeles' water supply. The water rights issue stirred long-simmering political animosities, paving the way for an invasion known as "Operation Angelic Freedom."


"Our gripe is not with the good people of Los Angeles. It is with everything that Los Angeles stands for."
Don Bleitzenkreig, Inland Empire president


During an engagement between Empire troops and Los Angeles loyalists, the 13th Infantry Division managed to breach the county line, then prepared for stiff resistance from the residents of Pomona. Elsewhere, there have been reports that the Empire's 7th Marine Division broke through the San Gabriel pass and is leading a two-pronged attack on Azusa and Monrovia.

ON THE MOVE: Inland Empire troops are primarily attacking from the north and east.


Checkpoints were set up in Diamond Bar and Glendora to ensure the smooth transition of civilian populations into less-volatile zones. And refugee camps were established across the county line, but so far there have been few takers among Angelinos, who are nonchalant about reports of an incursion. Even an air raid siren in downtown Los Angeles prompted talk of pilot season rather than fear of incoming aircraft.

Forces have been slowed somewhat over the past few days by pro-L.A. factions believed to be dressed in civilian attire. There are even rumors that the administration may be paying actors to pretend they're real people — thus acting as human shields. And in a ruse, union resistance fighters from the dreaded Studio City Division created an entire fake city from scratch, which confused Empire troops for three days.

Don Bleitzenkreig, Inland Empire president, spoke about the war and its overall mission. "Our gripe is not with the good people of Los Angeles. It is with everything that Los Angeles stands for: violence, corruption, decadence, style, egocentrism, vanity, entertainment, culture, wealth — oh, and tofu smoothies. We believe that most Angelinos do not want this to be their fate, so we have embarked on their liberation!"

The spokesperson for Mayor Hahn of Los Angeles issued a statement to the local press, "You invaders are not welcome. No, you will be turned out, God willing. You will never get beyond the county line. And if you do, be warned that we have built a moat around downtown and filled it with carbonated water. Our people are accustomed to smog and toxic fumes; your soldiers cannot handle it — they will flee and theground beneath them will shake!"

Asked if there was support for such an invasion, Bleitzenkreig defended his actions. "You bet. We are a coalition of the willful. We fight for every town in this great state and nation which sees L.A. for the evil that it is and as a disseminator of evil around the world!"

At a press briefing, Hank Bumblesby, head of the Inland Empire Defense Department, downplayed the scattered peace protester who briefly appeared on a street corner in San Bernardino. "He's a madman. Look, the only outcome of this war is for the current administration to step down in an unconditional surrender. It's either that or face the imminent downfall of Los Angeles — not that it isn't falling apart on its own!"

In the coming days and weeks, fierce fighting is expected in East L.A., where there are believed to be strongholds of Crips and Blood gangs who have put aside their age-old feud in order to thwart what they allege to be an invasion of their collective "turf." There are rumors that the mayor of Los Angeles is paying them to defend the city. Further west, the supposed holy city of Hollywood will surely be a key battle in the war for the hearts and minds of Angelinos.

And where is the mayor? "That's the $64,000 question," says Bumblesby, "He's either given up entirely or he's at the gym."


DOUBLE TROUBLE: To fool troops, men like these (pictured here at a checkpoint outside Pomona) are thought to be merely acting as real people.

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ISSUE # 6

In Marketing Blitz, Microsoft Paints Over Monarch Butterflies

Woman Lands In Psych Ward for Cell Phone Use

Inland Empire Launches Attack on Los Angeles

Southland Water Agency Adds Teeth Whitener to Drinking Water