Study Proves Burbank is
Flatter Than Kansas

BURBANK — A study released today revealed that Burbank has surpassed Kansas as one of the flattest places in North America.

"Yep, it's flat all right." says researcher Xavier Dondelinger, "Flatter than last month's Pepsi."
Burbank's new status came about when an inclined area was razed to make room for some tract housing, thus lowering Burbank's flatness ratio and putting it ahead of Kansas.

The study was commissioned by the Flat Earth Society as a way to prove that the earth is, in fact, flat. The society's latest effort studied the flattest places on earth in hopes of discovering statistical evidence supporting their beliefs.

The study will be published in the journal Horizontal.
"I think we all started out thinking that Kansas must be flatter," adds Dondelinger, "so it really took us by surprise — especially since neighboring Glendale is so hilly. And actually, if you drive through Kansas, you'll see gently rolling hills in a lot of it. But you could put a bowling ball smack in the center of Burbank and it's not going anywhere for a few millennia."

"Yep, it's flat all right... you could put a bowling ball smack in the center of Burbank and it's not going anywhere for a few millennia"

— Xavier Dondelinger, Researcher

On an international scale, in terms of flattest places on earth, Burbank still ranks behind the Mongolian Plateau, Australia's Mullarbor Plain, Algeria's Great Eastern Erg and Greenland's Knud Rasmussen Land.

Dondelinger would not speculate as to whether Burbank was also culturally flatter than Kansas.