Santa Ana Winds Cause
Ion-Blaster Shooting Spree

TOPANGA CANYON — The seasonal Santa Ana winds had been blowing steadily, and without incident, through this sleepy canyon for most of November. But all that changed one afternoon last week.

According to reports by neighbors, a 42-year-old man who lived in a cabin with his two sons, became suddenly unnerved, grabbed his child's Toy Story "ion-blaster" and went on a shooting spree at the Topenga post office.

No one was injured, but the man, Flavius Bermingham, was taken into custody at the Topenga jail before being shipped off to an undisclosed psychiatric treatment center in Woodland Hills.

Topanga residents recalled that Bermingham frequently complained about the "evil influences" of the Santa Ana winds, which possess a greater number of positive-charged ions and are blamed for sudden rises in traffic accidents, public rioting, generalized depression, suicide, murder and poor decision-making in Hollywood.

The phenomenon of such "witches' winds" like the Santa Anas is echoed by winds in other parts of the world: the Chinook, of Western Canada; the Foehn, in Switzerland; the Sharav, in the Middle East; the Mistral, of France and the Italian Sirocco winds.

Jonas Chotzen was at the post office when Bermingham went on his shooting spree. "He came in, shooting from the hip. We all ducked behind counters and two of the postal staff jumped straight into mail bins. 'Flave' was making these weird popping noises with his mouth, but we all figured it was coming from a real gun. Besides, no one's going to take a chance in being wrong. But when he came near me, I knew I had no choice but to tackle him. It all happened so fast."

Two years earlier, also during the Santa Ana winds, Bermingham was arrested after he ran naked down the full length of the Topanga Canyon Road and took a skinny dip in the Pacific Ocean. At the time, he was fined for indecent exposure, treated for sunburn and forced to wear natural fibers and keep an aquarium in his home—two methods used to foster negative-ion charged environments.

There was no word yet about when, or if, Bermingham would return home.

But at a Topanga community meeting, there was renewed discussion over a former town council proposal in which a giant, negative-ion machine would be built at the top end of the canyon. The machine would counteract the effects of Santa Ana winds entering the canyon each year and wreaking havoc in one form or another.