boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-




Michael Jackson to Build
Amusement Park Near Prison

Anticipating a guilty verdict, construction speeds forward on a Never Ever Land amusement park.

Special to The LaLa Times
by Brad Schreiber

SANTA MARIA, Ca. —-- With the possibility of a future conviction for child molestation and other charges, pop star and plastic surgery horror story Michael Jackson has announced plans to build an amusement park, only for boys, near the prison where he expects to be incarcerated.

Without admitting guilt, Jackson has struck a deal with Santa Barbara County officials to purchase land adjacent to a cell which he has put a $40,000 deposit on, so no other prisoner may use it.

Jackson, 45, is charged with committing a lewd act upon a child, administering an intoxicating agent, conspiring to commit child abduction, false imprisonment, extortion, and frightening a minor with improper use of plastic surgery and makeup.

The amusement park, to be constructed outside the west wing of the Los Olivos State Prison, will be called Never Ever Land, in reference to Jackson’s estate, Neverland, four miles away. Plans for Never Ever Land include free admission for all male children under 18, free food and drink and free rides and attractions, including "Jump On Michael's Bed," a huge trampoline replica of Jackson's bed, where boys will be encouraged to jump up and down wearing nothing more than athletic supporters.

Another attraction in the works for Never Ever Land is the "Drop Zone," a replica of the Adlon Hotel in Berlin, where in 2002 Jackson threatened to drop his son from a fourth floor window, apparently due to media pressure although an unnamed Santa Maria district attorney suggested, "It might be because he is simply crazier than bat shit."

The "Drop Zone"will enable older children to dangle and then drop smaller children onto a thick foam pad without any harm whatsoever. A bullseye with numerical values will enable children to compete against each other for prizes.

Jackson attorney Tom Sneddon claims, "This will improve the children's hand-eye coordination and encourage them to have fun, the kind their parents would never ever allow them to have. That is the kind of humanitarian my client is."



THRILLER!: Michael Jackson, at a press conference, appears in front of a poster of the upcoming Never Ever Land.




ISSUE # 22

L.A. River Rowing Team Hits Rock Bottom

Michael Jackson to Build Amusement Park Near Prison