Several prominent Disney and Muppet characters
are the latest high-profile figures to get married in California.
It's not clear if the intent was to create a poison pill for the
corporate merger or to honor true love.
SAN FRANCISCO –— In what is being described as the
first gay marriage of "assorted puppet and animation figures,"
Disney and Muppet characters wed at a service under the City Hall
rotunda. The ceremony comes at a critical moment: after the announcement
that the two companies will likely form a corporate merger.
OPPOSITES ATTRACT: Happy's
interminable glee could finally put the kibosh on Oscar's irritability.
Three couples were married during the civil ceremony, at which
other prominent figures from both sides of the aisle –—
Kermit the Frog, Pinnochio, Miss Piggy and Snow White –—
attended to show their support.
First, Goofy and Gonzo were hitched, after which Goofy was at
a typical loss for words, "Gawrsh! Well whaddyaknow!?"
One fellow muppet who declined to give his name commented that,
"I'm not surprised. Gonzo always had a…flashy sense
of style. And you gotta wonder why things never worked out between
him and Miss Piggy."
Lightyear and the Swedish Chef were one of several couples to
tie the knot.
Next up was a clear case of "opposites attract": Oscar the Grouch and Happy (one of the Seven Dwarves). "I feel good about them," said Big Bird, "it just seems right. Oscar's finally coming out of the can! It's a huge relief for all of us." Oscar wore an impish, gleeful smile during the nuptial proceedings.
The third couple to tie the knot was Buzz Lightyear and the Swedish
Chef. "'Im joost zee heppeeest mun in zee vurld!" proclaimed
the Swedish Chef. "Ja, Buzzy iz my sveetzheeart –--
I'm tired ooff hiding beheend my eprun. Bork Bork Bork!"
Attendees were quick to gossip that, despite Buzz's flirtation
with Jessie (from Toy Story), his macho posturing was a classic
case of overcompensation. "Besides," said Prospector
Pete, "the guy's best friend is named Woody! You do the math."
Despite the enthusiasm of the day, critics speculated that the string of weddings was a farce designed to create a so-called "poison pill" by merger opponents who seek to break up the corporate wedding of the two companies.
"Oscar's finally coming out of the
can! It's a huge relief for all of us."
—-- Big Bird
In Washington, President Bush urged both companies to "reign in their characters" while using the event to step up his battle for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as a union between a man and a woman. "C'mon now people, this is getting out of control! The only gay unions I'll allow – whether we're talkin' about animated, manipulated or human beings – are in the area of labor. Sure, let the gays be employed collectively and work hard, like the rest of us, to help out the economy. But the buck… stops… there!"
Governor Schwarzenegger was more sympathetic. Backing off his hardball stance against the maverick San Francisco courts, Schwarzenegger announced with tears in his eyes, "As someone who's played characters who are not exactly human — like terminators and governors — I really feel for these cuddly but not-quite-warm-blooded creatures. In their case only, I believe gay marriage should be allowed in our great state of California."
On the steps of City Hall, Mickey Mouse caught the symbolic flower bouquet, which raised a few eyebrows. Longtime Disney fan, Bob Yarnelle, was quick to note, "Technically speaking, Mickey and Minnie were just good friends. I think their whole relationship has been a 75-year tease to keep the public distracted from the truth. I wouldn't be surprised to see Mickey back on these same steps."