boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-

 
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Transportation


New Humvee
Spans Two Lanes of Traffic

Hummer releases their latest — and biggest — version of its military-industrial design, this one spanning two lanes and getting three miles per gallon.

By George Wolfe

FULLERTON, Calif. — At this Hummer dealership in Orange County, big is definitely back – with a vengeance.

After an increasing number of smaller, environmentally friendly cars hit the Los Angeles area in recent years, the new "Humvee" H100 represents a definitive move back to bigger vehicles that haven't been seen since the advent of sports utility vehicles in the 1990s.

The H100, with its origin as a military personnel transport vehicle during the 1991 Gulf War, is the first vehicle to span two lanes of traffic. Hummer's latest unveiling is more than twice the size and weight of the average SUV. It gets 5 miles per gallon in the city, and 3 miles per gallon on the freeways. The vehicle lists for $179,000.

"All these complainers... they're just jealous, petty, knee-jerk liberal jerks who secretly wish they could afford one but lack the guts to get one."

— Edward Hess, H100 owner

But other drivers are crying foul. Iris Greene just bought a tiny, red, gas-efficient Cooper which is dwarfed by the new H100 at a ratio of 4:1.

Asked if she's bothered by the size factor, Greene immediately turns red in the face, "Bothered doesn't quite describe it. These urban assault vehicles are so backwards, so asinine, such truly belligerent things to put out there! I mean, I always imagined that by the 21st century, we'd be getting progressively better gas mileage, but we've devolved to this. It's very depressing and insane. Plus, I've got a small kid in my car! What were these people thinking, whoever got the idea to make them for consumers? And who buys these things anyway?!"

Well, Edward Hess for one – and he couldn't be prouder. At 5'2", Hess likes being up high on the road and doesn't think of the H100 as a monster at all. He resents the bad media coverage that it's received thus far and says anyone who actually drives one would be hooked.

"All these complainers," says Hess, "they're just jealous, petty, knee-jerk liberal jerks who secretly wish they could afford one but lack the guts to get one. And that only leaves bickering. This baby purrs; it's a real smooth ride!

"Before I got one, I didn't even know there were mountains all around the L.A. basin. Now I can see them – so it's even sort of environmentally friendly. If these other folks are intimidated by driving on the same road as me, then maybe they don't belong on the road. Period. No one ever said it was easy out there. But I'm a good driver. Tell them I promise not to crush them."

Responding to Hess' remark, Green chuckles, shakes her head and smiles, "Gee, do you think he's compensating for something or what?!"
 
A VW Eurovan relative to the Hummer H100.

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