Wall Street Crooks Bound for Posh Malibu Correctional Facility

A new jail facility will house the most hardened of Wall Street executives in the cushiest of environs — just off Zuma Beach. Cells with a view, for you know who.

By George Wolfe

MALIBU – Under President Bush's get-tough legislation, corrupt CEOs and other white-collar criminals from Wall Street are headed for hard times at the new Federal Correctional Facility at Zuma Beach.

The new prison is being built in a hurry to accommodate the sudden rise in white-collar criminals expected from Wall Street in the coming months, as companies continue to announce verdicts stemming from high-profile court cases.

— President Bush

"Lifers," such as Michael Milken and Ivan Boesky will take up residence at the facility’s maximum security wing, where they will be expected to give lectures and motivational speeches for the inmates.

It’s anticipated that Martha Stewart will serve time by providing occupational therapy group sessions.

Still, according to Bush, the "searing heat and desolate conditions" were specifically chosen to "send a message to the American people that we're dead serious about cracking down on these white-collar criminals. It's a real no-no. Sunscreen or not – we’re slapping their wrists until they’re good and red."

But critics are questioning the placement and accommodations of the new facility, which is said to be built upon the model of Muscle Beach in Venice. It would have a partitioned Nautilus gym with transparent boundaries that would intentionally blur the line in the sand between inmates and passers-by.

"Sure, there will be weight-lifting and all that, but that's nothing new," says prison warden, Biff Post, Jr. "The guys gotta have something to do. I don't see why anyone should be raising eyebrows. It’s definitely a separate space. It won’t be easy, that’s for sure."

But a list of inventories, received from sources inside the justice department, show orders for hot tubs, a wet bar, a top-of-the-line home entertainment system and even requisitions for topless dancers to entertain the inmates. Prison officials would not return phone calls regarding these supposed inventories.

There is also speculation that the correctional facility is nothing more than convenient and cost-effective lodging while many of the CEO’s legally protected mansions are undergoing renovation projects.

Though prison terms could be as long as twenty years, with good behavior most of the prisoners could be eligible for payroll as early as six months.