California Think Tank
Deployed to Iraq

A Southern California think tank, co-designed by the policy-making Group of New American Deployments (GONAD) and defense contractor Lockstep Marlin is being combat-tested in Iraq to see if it can quell the Iraqi conflict, either by force or thought-provoking ideas.

by George Wolfe

SANTA MONICA, Ca. — Thought you'd seen it all? Think again.

One of the more unusual weapons to be tested in combat is the super-secret Cogito tank, a nod to philosopher Descartes' famous expression, "Cogito ergo sum" (I think, therefore I am).

Lockstep Marlin, which designed Cogito in association with a conservative California think tank, said the time had come to try it out.

— Mindy Moniker, spokesperson
Lockstep Marlin defense contractor

The transparent, cutting-edge vehicle is powered by a giant brain grown in a nutrient-enhanced solution of saline laced with thought-provoking enzymes. When the brain reaches a critical mass of thought, it is carefully embedded in and hard-wired to the armored tank.

On the battlefield, the tank is equipped with a standard turret structurally, but the surface of the barrel is emblazoned with pseudo-philosophical expressions such as "Surrender is next to Godliness" and "What Would Allah Do?" There is also a mounted .50-caliber machine gun which shoots sapphire bullets that force victims to think more with the right side of the brains. And small holes in the front and back of the vehicle can spray nerd gas, rendering enemy combatants into "a dweeby, hypnotic state of obfuscation and loopy intellectualism."

"The whole idea is to soften them up first, with kindler, gentler, Hallmark card-like sentimentalities. The fact that the vehicle is transparent shows our good will and intent not to hide anything from them. However, if they don't respond to these overtures, then the Cogito has low-yield nuclear weapons on board that it can deploy, and treads which can leave traces of depleted uranium behind on the battlefield or in towns."

The good cop/bad cop message is one that even Descartes would understand: "Think again, or you won't be at all."