SACRAMENTO – Less than a year after taking office, the California governor's job has been officially outsourced to China. All gubernatorial matters will now be managed by 19-year-old, Xiao Ling, a college student from Beijing.

By George Wolfe

An email interview with the new Governor in absentia:

La Times: Mr. Ling, how does it feel to walk in the footsteps of Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Xiao Ling: I am a big fan of Arnold. I have seen all his movies. No one can ever replace him.

LaLa Times: But you are, in fact, replacing him -- are you not?

Xiao Ling: Well, yes, technically.

LaLa Times: Do you have an opinion about the issue of job outsourcing -- especially the more recent trend of replacing white collar jobs?

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"Most Americans still aren't comfortable with the outsourcing of their political leadership, let alone other jobs they hold dear."

— Xiao Ling,
Governor of California

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Xiao Ling: It's not in my job description to analyze such things.

LaLa Times: Yes, but do you have an opinion on the matter?

Xiao Ling:: Well, if the state of California got itself into a fiscal mess and they're now trying to save money by lowering payrolls, then I guess outsourcing isn't a bad strategy to cut into a budget deficit.

LaLa Times: May I ask how much California will save by this move?

Xiao Ling: Sure. I calculate they'll save nearly $100,000. The state pays me the equivalent of about five dollars a day. For me, that's good money -- helps pay for college.

LaLa Times: Is there anything you'd want to say to Arnold, who will now be looking for a new job?

Xiao Ling: Yeah, no hard feelings, dude! Don't take it personally. You still rock. Go back to making the movies we all love. We miss you on the golden screen!

LaLa Times: I think it's silver.

Xiao Ling: Oh. Anyway… really, I guess I'd reassure him that I will continue to clean up Sacramento.

LaLa Times: I see. And what, exactly, are you authorized to do as the new governor?

Xiao Ling: Americans shouldn't be so defensive about this. It's mostly administrative stuff, work that Americans don't want to do anyway. I don't think Arnold liked doing it either. Let's face it, being governor is fun at first, but then the reality of the job creeps in. Basically though, I deal with the public via our CaliforniaLink LiveChat, powered by Flesh'n'Blood. It reassures the people that there's actually a person on the other end who's taking care of problems which affect them.

LaLa Times: This interview aside… are you required to keep up a pretense that you're Arnold?

Xiao Ling: Yes. Most Americans still aren't comfortable with the outsourcing of their political leadership, let alone their other jobs they hold dear -- for instance, information technology, clerical, manufacturing, etc. My management team has provided me with some stock "Arnold-speak" phrases that mostly cover whatever the voters might throw at me.

LaLa Times: Such as what?

Xiao Ling: Well, let's see, there's… "I love working for you, my people of California. We have a new spirit: a very positive spirit, on steroids. Together, we are massively pumped up!" or " Have no fear -- the state of our state will soon be strong again. We will restore it to its former greatness, like an empire of old." or "I am dodging bullets for you people. Since we cannot give what we do not have, we have burned the state's credit cards. All of you play an important role in helping us do that. In a way, we're a whole state of actors!" Stuff like that.

LaLa Times: Not a bad job, huh?

Xiao Ling: I'm learning quite a lot. It is great.

LaLa Times: How many teenagers can say they govern the world's sixth-largest economy? After all, China follows California as the world's seventh-largest economy.

Xiao Ling: Really? Wow. Wait 'til I tell my mom!

LaLa Times: Thanks for your time, and good luck with the state.

Xiao Ling: Hasta la vista, Baby!