boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-




Shaq Uses Kobe Doll
in Voodoo Rites

In the latest salvo between the two ex-teammates, it was discovered that Shaquille O'Neal has been participating in voodoo ceremonies — aimed at Kobe Bryant — with a Haitian witch doctor in Miami. Newly disgruntled Laker, Karl Malone, says he "wants a Kobe doll to play with, too."

By George Wolfe

MIAMI — Back and forth they've gone, like jilted lovers, ever since the big break-up after the NBA finals debacle in June, 2004. Now, magic is being called in to settle the score.

Former Los Angeles Lakers superstar Shaq O'Neal has been meeting with a Haitian witch doctor in order to "negatively manipulate" Kobe Bryant by driving pins into a "Kobe doll" that was specially made by a Haitian witch doctor.

"Kobe has lost it... I'm actually glad that Shaq is taking matters into his own hands."

Karl Malone,
Los Angeles Lakers

Jacque Delacroix, a participant in one such voodoo ceremony, keenly remembers O'Neal's large stature as well as the jersey number on the Kobe doll. "Shaq just kept jabbing away at poor Kobe. It was like he was possessed! I remember he kept asking the witch doctor if he could also get a doll of Los Angeles Lakers owner Jerry Buss and general manager Mitch Kupchack, too.

"To tell you the truth," said Kobe Bryant upon hearing about Shaq's behavior, "I'm not at all surprised he'd stoop so low. The guy's so overweight he has to resort to picking people off with pins and all sorts of off-court dirty tricks. That's so tired I'm going to sleep."

Bryant's performance on court, however, has suffered, especially in games played in nearby Orlando, as well as New Orleans where voodoo is known to be practiced. In those games, Bryant made only 13% of his baskets, compared to his usual 38%.

Asked about the voodoo dolls, O'Neal responded that, "it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Just 'cause the Lakers are neck and neck with the Clippers, and he happens to stab everyone in the back, he thinks that I must be doin' something like that myself. The guy's trippin'. "

The Christmas match-up between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Miami Heat marked the first time that both players squared off against each other. The Miami Heat won the game 108-106 after Kobe complained of "strange pains" in his body toward the critical end of the game.

The Lakers' Karl Malone added one last jab at Kobe to close a recent news conference, "I don't normally support things like this, but Kobe's lost it — hell, the guy called my grandmother up last night and hit on her. So I'm actually glad that Shaq is taking matters into his own hands."


STAR WARS: The feud between Shaq and Kobe hits a new low.



ISSUE # 27

Shaq Uses Kobe Doll in Voodoo Rites

Democrats To Grow Presidential Candidate
From Stem Cell

Treehugger Climbs Bush to Protest Bush