Lakers Sign Fetus
In a bid to rekindle its dynasty for future generations, the Lakers became the first team to sign an unborn child — make that two — to their team. Shoe company Nike also jumped on the bandwagon and inked a deal with the African twins' parents, worth $100 million over 18 years.
By George Wolfe
After being trounced in the NBA finals by the
Detroit Pistons, the Lakers' management wasted no time in the off-season
by acquiring fresh new talent — very fresh. Mbuktu and Mbikti
Zbwabe, of Kenya, are only in their 8th month of gestation as fetuses,yet
ultrasound measurements put them each at about 16 pounds. By contrast,
Shaq O'Neal was only 13 lbs. 9 oz. at birth. Lakers team physicians
are already monitoring the Zbwabe twins' kicking reflexes to gauge
their jumping potential.
"Even though none of us have met the
Zbwabe twins, we feel like we already know them. We're sure they'll
be an excellent acquisition."
Lakers General Manager
The Los Angeles Lakers are the first to break
the "birth barrier" in professional sports. The signing
of the Zbwabe twins, done on their behalf by the parents, comes on
the heels of last year's signing of LeBron James by the Cleveland
Cavaliers. James, now 20, entered the N.B.A. from high school and
wasted no time in capturing the rookie of the year award.
"Even though none of us have met the Zbwabe twins,"
said Lakers General Manager Mitch Kupchak, "we feel like we
already know them. We're sure they'll be an excellent acquisition
down the road. We believe in the farm league approach — that
it's never too early to map out the next generation of Laker world
dominance. It doesn't matter that Kobe could be in a wheelchair
long before the Zbwabes ever wear a Lakers uniform. We want to start
with a fresh slate."
Asked if the twins' youth would present problems for the team, Lakers owner Jerry Buss said, "We're used to infantile behavior. No, I don't see it as a problem. At the end of the day it's about winning and continuing the dynasty at all cost."
The twins' father is a goat herder, and is reportedly
being paid in goats for now; later, say the Lakers, the family will
be compensated in cows, and finally in cash. Asked to comment on
his future sons' contract, the father spoke through an interpreter:
"Goats good, we happy — Go Lake!"
The twins' parents were all smiles as they participated in a Nike
photo op to preview a new line of basketball shoes, called "Zbwabe
Meanwhile, other teams were not at all pleased
about the Lakers upping the ante for drafting NBA players. In fact,
longtime rival San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popavich turned in
his notice of resignation, saying "What the hell?! I quit!"
.ALL SMILES: Nike Spokesman, Shubert Schmelling, inked a landmark
contract for the unborn African twins.