boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-




Rally Monkey Kidnapped

by George Wolfe

ANAHEIM – The Anaheim Angels have accused the Seattle Mariners of kidnapping their beloved "Rally Monkey," who has been remarkably successful in spurring the team to winning rallies late in the game.

The two teams are competing for first place in the American League West division as the baseball season heads into the often-contentious September schedule. The Angels are trying to put an end to the Mariners' dominance of the division in recent years, and recently swept the Mariners in a three-game series.

"Yes, we no have no bananas!"

Ichiro, Seattle Mariners' outfielder

Prior to the monkey's disappearance, the Angels were just a half a game out of first place; after the monkey's disappearance, the Angels have lost six out of seven games and have fallen four games behind the Mariners.

Reached by phone, the Mariners' General Manager, Bill Salyers, scoffed at the chimp-napping insinuation and commented that, "If the Angels are so dependent upon on a damned monkey to win ball games, then they don't deserve to be at the top of the division. Period. So find another excuse for losing and get that damn monkey off our backs! Like they're gonna win the World Series this year. Yeah, right."

But Angels fans, after yet another rout last night, were quick to point the finger northwards at Seattle. "I wouldn't put it past them. They may look all innocent and everything, but they've got guilt written all over them," said longtime Angels fan, Dale Kiselhorst, "And I'll bet that thug, Jay Buhner, is their hit man behind it. I'd bet he's still skulking around on their payrolls."

Jay Buhner, and his agent, would not return phone calls regarding the allegation.

Angels players are losing patience over the monkey issue. Shortstop, David Eckstein, blurted out at a news conference, "How'd you like it if we kidnapped the Mariner Moose!?"

But Mariner fans, buoyed by another impending victory last night, began chanting "Mon-key! Mon-key!..." when the Angel's loss registered on the scoreboard.

And after the game, even the stoic and reclusive Mariner star outfielder, Ichiro, chuckled and uttered, "Yes, we no have no bananas!"


#1 SUSPECT: Alleged chimp-napper,
Mariners' Jay Buhner



First Case of Second-Hand Eating

Man Lives Entire Life on Freeway

ASPCA to Sue Giants' Fans Over Treatment of Rally Monkey

Rally Monkey "Kidnapped" By Seattle Mariners

Crop Circles Appear in South Central L.A.

Malibu Riviera to Secede From Rest of Malibu

E.T. Snarled in Financial Woes,
Unable to Phone Home

Ovitz Recants Statement, Places Blame on Lesbian Mafia