by George Wolfe
ANAHEIM – The Anaheim Angels have accused
the Seattle Mariners of kidnapping their beloved "Rally Monkey,"
who has been remarkably successful in spurring the team to winning
rallies late in the game.
The two teams are competing for first place
in the American League West division as the baseball season heads
into the often-contentious September schedule. The Angels are
trying to put an end to the Mariners' dominance of the division
in recent years, and recently swept the Mariners in a three-game
"Yes, we no have no bananas!"
— Ichiro, Seattle
Prior to the monkey's disappearance, the Angels were just a half
a game out of first place; after the monkey's disappearance, the
Angels have lost six out of seven games and have fallen four games
behind the Mariners.
Reached by phone, the Mariners' General Manager,
Bill Salyers, scoffed at the chimp-napping insinuation and commented
that, "If the Angels are so dependent upon on a damned monkey
to win ball games, then they don't deserve to be at the top of
the division. Period. So find another excuse for losing and get
that damn monkey off our backs! Like they're gonna win the World
Series this year. Yeah, right."
But Angels fans, after yet another rout last
night, were quick to point the finger northwards at Seattle. "I
wouldn't put it past them. They may look all innocent and everything,
but they've got guilt written all over them," said longtime
Angels fan, Dale Kiselhorst, "And I'll bet that thug, Jay
Buhner, is their hit man behind it. I'd bet he's still skulking
around on their payrolls."
Jay Buhner, and his agent, would not return
phone calls regarding the allegation.
Angels players are losing patience over the
monkey issue. Shortstop, David Eckstein, blurted out at a news
conference, "How'd you like it if we kidnapped the Mariner
But Mariner fans, buoyed by another impending victory last night,
began chanting "Mon-key! Mon-key!..." when the Angel's
loss registered on the scoreboard.
And after the game, even the stoic and reclusive
Mariner star outfielder, Ichiro, chuckled and uttered, "Yes,
we no have no bananas!"