boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-




Kerry Concedes,
West Coast Secedes

Presidential candidate's defeat paves way for a new country: Caliwashegon. Northeast and Upper Midwest weigh secession, too.

by George Wolfe

After the announcement of George Bush's election to the presidency in 2004, the Democratic-leaning West Coast officially broke off from the United States and formed a separate country, to be known as the sovereign nation of Caliwashegon.

The Red and the Blue states square off to reveal a great continental divide.

Barbara Boxer (former D-Calif.), Patty Murray (former D-Wash.) and Ron Wyden (former D-Ore.) lead the secession movement. Boxer matter-of-factly noted that "We did our best to get out the vote, and it just didn't work — so now we're getting ourselves out before it's too late." Asked by a Fox News reporter about Kerry's concession message urging Americans to come together as one, without anger or rancor, Boxer said, "Heal the nation? To hell with the nation… going to hell in a handbasket!!" after which she lunged and bit the reporter's ear.

"We did our best to get out the vote, and it just didn't work — so now we're getting ourselves out."

Barbara Boxer, (former D-Calif.)

Without California, Oregon and Washington, the United States would be reduced to just 47 states. Democrats and disenfranchised independents in Republican-leaning states gathered their belongings and began a mass exodus to join their new homeland in Caliwashegon. The steady march of alienated citizens is being called the Trail of Fears in light of four more years of the current administration's wreaking of havoc and mayhem.

The Northeast has also been discussing the possibility of secession from the United States, perhaps along with the Upper Midwest. So far, three plans have been floated. The first plan posits a sovereign Northeast nation, known perhaps as New New England. The second plan would join forces with the Caliwashegon movement, creating a predominantly bi-coastal Blue Union of liberals and independents. The third proposal would be for full repatriation as a colony of England.

Speaking to the sleeper issue which put these nation-breaking forces into motion, Cincinnati resident Sally Steubitt defended her vote for Bush by saying, "In the end, I just wasn't convinced that enough people had died yet in the name of moral values. But fortunately we now have a mandate to wash our hands of a loving Christ, in the blood of Iraqis."








ISSUE # 26

Kerry Concedes, West Coast Secedes