boulderdash n: a road game played by California drivers during the wet season <Penelope called her friend to tell her about the ~ that was already underway along Pacific Coast Highway.> -more-




DEMCAR Update:
Howard Dean's Racecar Crashes

In an effort to win the Delegates' Cup, 'Howie' Dean's explosive campaign spins out of control and comes to a screeching halt. Unable to pick up the necessary points in the Wisconsin race, Dean will not continue on to the Bush, Jr. series.

By George Wolfe

BURLINGTON, Vt. — The DEMCAR race to the National Convention Invitational shook off yet another major contender yesterday. The showdown between Howie Dean and Johnny K. Kerry ended in a nasty wipeout for the man who, but a month ago, was far and away the pacesetter.

This leaves Kerry and 'Carolina' Edwards in a neck-and-neck race for the Bush, Jr. series race in November.

"We may have crashed, and our tires may even be missing, but that doesn't mean we can't keep moving…"

'Howie' Dean, DEMCAR racer

Miraculously, Dean walked away unscathed from the burning metal carcass of the vehicle which got him close — but not close enough — to Victory Lane. He was seen staggering around the track, sorting through the widely strewn wreckage. A reporter caught up to him and asked how he felt, to which the brash Dean responded, "Oh, the Iowa wreck was ten times worse! And the New Hampshire wreck hurt, too. I wasn't prepared for those. But after fifteen other wrecks… hey, I feel pretty juiced."

After this encounter, however, Dean lost consciousness and had to be taken away on a stretcher. As he passed by the somber crowd, he was heard mumbling the names of all fifty states.

Experts speculated that Dean, though he energized crowds and racers alike, may have had trouble with his catalytic converter, and that it contributed to a rupture of his main fuel cell, thus causing the wipeout. Others spoke of the "overdynamic drag" that weighed down his vehicle after his Iowa rant. Still others, viewing tapes of the crash, believe that Kerry, as the front-runner, was putting out "excessive, dirty air" which blinded Dean momentarily and led to the crash.

Other past contenders — Mosely Braun, Jojo Lieberman and Dicky Gephardt — backed up this theory, complaining that Kerry had cut them off and caused their own wrecks.

In the winner's circle, Kerry countered the accusations, "I don't play dirty. There have been clear signs from early on that Howie's handling of his vehicle was questionable. The man had a lot of horsepower and prime poling position at the start of the race. All it takes is one wrong turn of the steering wheel."

Nonetheless, die-hard Dr. Dean, speaking from his hospital bed, bolstered the hopes of his tearful supporters when he said, "We may have crashed, and our tires may even be missing, but that doesn't mean we can't keep moving… down the real home stretch to the White House Cup 2004!"

BORN TO BE WILD: Die-hard Dean survives yet another incredible wreck though his campaign is now virtually out of the race.




ISSUE # 13

Los Angeles Stakes Claim to Martian Water

Disney/Muppet Characters Wed in Gay Marriage

DEMCAR Update:Howard Dean's Racecar Crashes