With his retirement from being press secretary, Fleischer takes a rare moment with the press to reveal a few tricks of the political show business trade.

By George Wolfe

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Presidential Press Secretary Ari Fleischer reflected upon his stint with the Bush administration and responded candidly to journalists' questions about methods of keeping the media at bay during the war as well as shaping the ongoing opinions of the average American.

"To be honest," said Fleischer, "Washington D.C. really takes its cue from Chicago — the movie, that is."

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"What if your economy is rusting?
Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous!"
— Ari Fleischer, Press Secretary

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Asked to elaborate, Fleischer noted, "Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle dazzle 'em. Give 'em act with lots of flash in it, and the reaction will be passionate. Give 'em the old hocus pocus – bread and feather 'em."

"How can they see with sequins in their eyes?" asked a reporter from ABC.

"Razzle dazzle 'em, and they'll never catch wise!"
"What if your economy is rusting?" asked a reporter from CBS.

"Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous!"
"What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?" asked a reporter from NBC.

"Row after row will grow vociferous!"

The journalists feverishly copied down Fleischer's comments before a Fox reporter inquired about Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's ability to deflect federal spending from healthcare and education into the military. Fleischer called Rumsfeld to the podium to speak for himself.

"We just give 'em the old flim flam flummox," bellowed Rumsfeld, "Fool and fracture 'em. How can they hear the truth above the roar? Throw 'em a fake and a finagle. They'll never know you're just a bagel. Razzle dazzle 'em. And they'll beg you for more!"
The Press Secretary was then queried about how it is that President Bush's popularity is still so high. Fleischer directed the press corps' eyes to a T.V. screen where President Bush spoke via satellite.

"Back since the days of old Methuselah, everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler. Give 'em the old three-ring circus. Stun and stagger 'em. When you're in trouble, go into your dance. Though you are stiffer than a girder, they let ya get away with a murder. Razzle dazzle 'em, and you've got a romance. Give 'em an act that's unassailable. They'll wait four years 'til you're available!"

Asked about the steady erosion of civil liberties, President Bush responded, "Just give 'em the old double whammy. Daze and dizzy 'em, show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are. Long as you keep 'em way off balance, how can they spot you got no talents? Razzle dazzle 'em and they'll make you a star!"