Spectators gawk at what they say resembles
John Paul II's countenance, miraculously revealed along the Pacific
Coast. Skeptics call it "a once-in-a-million fluke of nature."
REDONDO BEACH – In what many Southern Californians are
calling a divine miracle and others are calling a bunch of bunk,
John Paul II's visage allegedly formed in the sand overnight.
Scientists were at a loss to explain how it happened.
Witnesses also said that the posthumous pope also moved his dry,
sandy mouth and spoke to the crowd about his first impressions
of the afterlife.
“The good news is that I made it to
heaven. The bad news is that my dear friend Ronald Reagan isn't
anywhere to be found. Oh, and you'll never guess: St. Peter is
gay!”
— Former Pope John Paul II
"It just totally blew us away," said surfer Stan Aureoli,
who was on his way to surf when he joined a small crowd of stunned
onlookers. "The guy really looked like a real dude -- right
there in the sand!!"
Evidently, John Paul II gave a brief state-of-the-heavens address,
describing his personal shock at the latest news about who's in
and who's out of heaven.
According to several witness reports, John Paul II said that "The
good news is that I made it to heaven. The bad news is that my dear
friend Ronald Reagan isn't anywhere to be found. Oh, and you'll
never guess: St. Peter is gay! He and Liberace are going steady
forever.
"I don't understand. Jesus is here. Buddha is here. Mohammed
is here. Where are all the priests, deacons and cardinals?
"'The Johnnies' are all the rage in the heavens right now,"
according to the ex-pope. "That Johnny Carson fellow and the
singer Johnny Cash do a very funny routine together called The Divine
Show.
Bob Hope and Rodney Dangerfield have another whole routine several
clouds over, To Hell With It, that provides all of us with the ightness
of spirit necessary to stay up here.
"There are a whole lot of dead rockers up here, and the other
night they all gave a very lovely concert including: Ray Charles,
Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrisson, Buddy Holly, Kurt Cobain and
John Lennon, to name just a few. They say it's just a matter of
time before The Beatles are reunited again. I see now what I've
been missing out on.
"I keep thinking: Why was I so damned good in life?! In hindsight,
I wish I'd had a few more vices."
And with those words, a large wave crashed upon the beach and the
pope's image disappeared.