California Installs Stockades
for Smokers

A new no-smoking law in California puts people who violate no-smoking-in-public ordinances into stockades for up to 30 days. Critics say the shaming technique goes too far.

SANTA MONICA – Thinking of lighting up in California? Think again. A new shaming law which takes effect this month will put smokers in publicly placed stockades for up to 30 days as part of legislation intended to shame smokers and cut health care costs.

— Jim Druthers, spokesman
Smith/Bennings Tobacco

Tobacco companies immediately cried foul and vowed to fight the draconian legislation. Smith/Bennings Tobacco spokesman Jim Druthers said, "When we told the truth of how we lied to people about the potential effects of smoking, we assumed that you people would cut us some slack. But these draconian measures just make us want to lie all over again. Now how productive is that?!"

But advocates of the new anti-smoking law praised the state legislature for its brave new action. Megan MacIntyre, of the Los Angeles-based lobbyist group Fuming Mad Californians said, "This is a great day for the people of our state. Smoking is shameful, so smokers may need to be shamed in order to finally get the message. If it's for the greater good then we don't mind resorting to medieval tactics to get these last few holdouts to embrace our values."

"I don't do nothing wrong," said Rybyzinski. "I only smoke. How come all these cars can smoke, but I can't? Tell me that one, huh? It's my right, my freedom! Please, let me out… I have to go to the bathroom!"

Local residents were overwhelmingly in agreement with the new shaming laws, though many quietly conceded that not allowing the guilty party out for bathroom breaks was too much.

Still, a neighbor who wished to remain anonymous breathed deeply and peacefully as she spoke about Rybyzinsky and the no-smoking ordinance. "With that Euro-trash off the streets, my sinuses already feel better. I was really worried that my grandchildren would acquire third-, or fourth-hand smoke. Maybe that witch will think twice now."