Causes Florida Hurricanes
A Southern California leaf blower
was apprehended today when it was discovered that he intentionally
manipulated the so-called "butterfly effect," causing
the series of deadly hurricanes which swept through Florida.
by George Wolfe
PACIFIC PALISADES — Lorenzo Lobo,
a gardener who works on numerous homes in this area, was arrested
today by the F.B.I. for allegedly manipulating the "butterfly
effect" to exact revenge on Florida via hurricanes Charley,
Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.
The butterfly effect posits that the flapping of a butterfly's wings
in one part of the world could actually cause catastrophic storms
elsewhere, and is a central concept of chaos theory.
"Figures the guy came from Los
Angeles, too — there's nothing in the world those damn liberal
folks don't have their claws in…"
— Gov. Jeb
Known in law-enforcement circles as "El
Niño" (the boy), Lobo evaded capture for many years
after his on-air fruit-throwing rampage as a meteorologist for a
Miami local news station, after which he was fired. A search of
Lobo's home revealed meteorological charts, chaos theory books,
three dozen leaf blowers and a hand-made Florida-shaped dart board.
Authorities speculate that Lobo was bitterly discontent with the
2000 presidential election debacle, centered around Florida.
As Lobo was hauled away, the sometimes-actor quoted from Shakespeare's
The Tempest: "A south-west blow on ye, and blister you all
Tony S. Cirrus, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration
spokesperson and amateur juggler, speculated that, "armed with
enough equipment, knowledge and mental instability, it's entirely
possible that [he] could indeed alter weather, though not necessarily
the trajectory of weather."
What began, however, as a story of personal transgression is itself
blowing up into a national debate. Was Lobo just a lone blower,
or part of a larger conspiracy? Could one man really bring about
multiple hurricanes — and with deadly accuracy? Many skeptics
doubt the one-blower theory.
Even Florida governor Jeb Bush is latching onto
the conspiratorial viewpoint, "I wouldn't put it past someone
like Gore — maybe working with the Democratic Party —
to be behind this whole shebang. Figures the guy came from Los Angeles,
too — there's nothing in the world those damn liberal folks
don't have their claws in… and now the weather! I want this
Los Lobos guy to make things right — after all, this cleaning
up thing is hard work, you know."
But despite allegations of Democrat involvement,
rumor has it that Lobo has been whisked away to Guantanamo Bay,
where he's being interrogated and forced to drink shots of wheatgrass
by a special envoy sent by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld's
men are applying pressure to get Lobo to cough up his trade secrets
so that the U.S. can launch hurricanes against North Korea, Iran