California Leaf Blower
Causes Florida Hurricanes

A Southern California leaf blower was apprehended today when it was discovered that he intentionally manipulated the so-called "butterfly effect," causing the series of deadly hurricanes which swept through Florida.

by George Wolfe

PACIFIC PALISADES — Lorenzo Lobo, a gardener who works on numerous homes in this area, was arrested today by the F.B.I. for allegedly manipulating the "butterfly effect" to exact revenge on Florida via hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.

The butterfly effect posits that the flapping of a butterfly's wings in one part of the world could actually cause catastrophic storms elsewhere, and is a central concept of chaos theory.

— Gov. Jeb Bush, Florida

Known in law-enforcement circles as "El Niño" (the boy), Lobo evaded capture for many years after his on-air fruit-throwing rampage as a meteorologist for a Miami local news station, after which he was fired. A search of Lobo's home revealed meteorological charts, chaos theory books, three dozen leaf blowers and a hand-made Florida-shaped dart board. Authorities speculate that Lobo was bitterly discontent with the 2000 presidential election debacle, centered around Florida.

As Lobo was hauled away, the sometimes-actor quoted from Shakespeare's The Tempest: "A south-west blow on ye, and blister you all o'er!"

Tony S. Cirrus, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration spokesperson and amateur juggler, speculated that, "armed with enough equipment, knowledge and mental instability, it's entirely possible that [he] could indeed alter weather, though not necessarily the trajectory of weather."

What began, however, as a story of personal transgression is itself blowing up into a national debate. Was Lobo just a lone blower, or part of a larger conspiracy? Could one man really bring about multiple hurricanes — and with deadly accuracy? Many skeptics doubt the one-blower theory.

Even Florida governor Jeb Bush is latching onto the conspiratorial viewpoint, "I wouldn't put it past someone like Gore — maybe working with the Democratic Party — to be behind this whole shebang. Figures the guy came from Los Angeles, too — there's nothing in the world those damn liberal folks don't have their claws in… and now the weather! I want this Los Lobos guy to make things right — after all, this cleaning up thing is hard work, you know."

But despite allegations of Democrat involvement, rumor has it that Lobo has been whisked away to Guantanamo Bay, where he's being interrogated and forced to drink shots of wheatgrass by a special envoy sent by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Rumsfeld's men are applying pressure to get Lobo to cough up his trade secrets so that the U.S. can launch hurricanes against North Korea, Iran or France