Angeles Annexes Vermont,
The City of Angels has embarked on the world's largest tree-transplant project in a bid to acquire seasons. Vermont files suit amid allegations that L.A. manipulated the milk market to drive down the cost of farmland in order to buy real estate for a pittance.
By George Wolfe
LOS ANGELES — Southern Californians broke ground today on a landmark plan that will finally compensate for the lack of seasons in this region. In so doing, they got a little piece of old New England — namely its illustrious trees.
The ambitious project involves transplanting
about 93.4% of Vermont's famous maple trees, moving them via freight
trains, then regrafting them in clear, climate-controlled domes
throughout Southern California, including areas that were devastated
by the recent spate of fires. While the urban areas of Vermont were
not acquired in the deal, L.A. is now the legal, majority owner
"Every year, those Green Mountain people
hoard all the good autumn colors. Now we get a turn!"
— Veronica DuBois,
San Fernando Valley resident
Despite bragging rights to some of the best weather
in the country, the unmitigating want for seasonal variation has
always been — up until now — the Achilles' heel of the
Southland. But as with the 1930's purchase of the San Fernando Valley
to acquire water rights, that never stopped Los Angeles before.
Anonymous sources in city government say that
L.A. has long been aware that having no seasons, combined with typical
big-city problems, could lead to a perception that it's not such
a liveable city, thereby causing an exodus of residents. Thus, the
city's stewards had been eyeing several New England states to fill
the seasonal void before it ever became a real issue.
Sam Donaldson, who made his fortune through a chain of hair transplant
clinics, headed the commission, "Fall Into L.A." Speaking
about the annexation, Donaldson noted, "It boiled down to either
Vermont or New Hampshire. In the end we felt that The Green Mountain
State had the superior foliage — and of course the best maple
syrup, too. This'll enhance our region and do for Los Angles what
Rogaine did for balding men everywhere!"
The largest tract of trees is a section that
begins near the Ventura County line, will cover the hillsides of
the entire San Fernando Valley and extend up to Studio City, where
Universal Studios is constructing a new amusement park entitled
simply "Fall, Land."
"It's only fair," says valley resident Veronica DuBois,
"Every year, those Green Mountain people hoard all the good
autumn colors. Now we get a turn! I'm always tortured when the Fall
catalogs arrive — seeing all those healthy-looking, goody-goody
Puritans playing in the crisp leaves and having so much fun. I'd
try to wear those same outfits, but they just never looked quite
right against a backdrop of Agave. Let them keep Burlington. But
now, if they want some Fall, they'll be the ones who have to get
in a car and drive to another state to experience it!"
Needless to say, Vermonters are not pleased with
the deal. With virtually all of the rural farmland bought up, former
landowners are suing the city of Los Angeles on grounds that it
introduced silicon into the cow population and spread false information
about the benefits cow diets. The suit argues that these actions
struck a serious blow to dairy farmers who went bankrupt and were
forced to sell the farms for next to nothing. The city denies those
Jim McIntyre is one farmer who's pissed off and
not going to take it any more. "Those damn Californians! They're
just a bunch of cowardly, greedy, all-consuming bastards! What's
next: Winter Wonderland?!"
THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME:
Traffic has a new look in the Southland.
SPRING FORWARD, FALL BACK: Maples like this one
will be maintained in climate-controlled, clear domes.
LEAFING LAS VEGAS:
The I-15 interstate to Vegas is a route that will benefit from the massive tree-transplanting venture.